Gracey's Space

Sunday, July 09, 2006

I'm having another sleepless night. They haven't been happening quite as often as in the past, but for some reason or another, I'm having one tonight. I guess some people wouldn't think 11 p.m. was late but for me it is because I'm usually in bed by 9:30 p.m. set to get up at 5:30 a.m. I need my 8 hours of sleep as doctors advise and I know in the long run it's the best thing for your body.
So, as I was laying in bed staring at the ceiling listening to the humming of the fan my mind went back to four years ago when I just graduated college and I was looking for my first job. I was so blessed to find the employers I did, what a huge difference from the people I work for today. They actually cared about me personally and truly made me a member of their family--Dr. Sacks and Dr. Barden and Phyllis too. Dr. Sacks and Dr. Barden are married and have two separate practices in the same office. Phyllis is the office manager but she might as well be family to the doctors. They are the kindest people I have ever met. They "took me in" when no other legal or medical office wanted to hire an unexperienced, fresh out of school girl. I couldn't have asked for better people to care for me. They helped me through one of the toughest times of my life--depression and anxiety. I was so embarrassed by having to admit to anyone that I was depressed. Depression from where I came from was something that didn't really exist, it was all in your head was what I heard my whole life, but I can say without a doubt that it is not something that is just in your head. You can beat it because I did, but I still find myself fighting it from time to time. With God's help, with the people that loved and cared for me, I was able to get back to a normal life. It took awhile and I had to seek help, but I beat it. I didn't let my parents, friends, or even my boyfriend at the time know what I was going through. It has been the biggest trial for me so far. Dr. Sacks, Phyllis, and my aunt were my biggest supporters. They had become my "family" because how could I go to my family back in CA and tell them that I was suffering from something that they didn't think even existed. Believe me, I love my parents very much, and I eventually told my mom everything and she really did try to understand and even when she admitted she couldn't fully, she supported me through the whole thing. Anxiety was another thing that was happening at the time and it's very strange to describe unless you have gone through it. It's like this feeling of worry and fear overwhelm you and most times you even struggle to breathe. It was one of the strangest things I had ever experienced. Now, I'm getting off track because I really wanted to talk about my doctors and Phyllis. They were unlike any employers I ever had or ever will have again. They care so much for people. Anyone that knows them should count themselves lucky and blessed. They are definitely not perfect, neither am I, but they truly cared about me, the person that I was and they loved me through for who I was.
You're probably thinking what is the big deal about that, but I guess you would have to understand about part of my upbringing. This part has nothing to do with my parents because they have always loved me, but I grew up in a church that didn't really care about people. I don't think I'm exaggerating at all. There were a handful or two that were real but for the most part, it wasn't like that. If you didn't think, act, and conform the way they wanted you to, you were pretty much an outcast. I had always felt like that; my mom had little snide remarks said to her that definitely implied as much and I remember the looks that I would get also. Things like that make a lasting memory in someone's mind. They weren't very kind people and growing up I knew it. I always wondered why my parents stayed there and now I know they did because they wanted me and my brother in a Christian school....that was the only reason, they did it for us.
The bottom line was I always wanted to be accepted for the person that I was but it never happened by the people that I thought really mattered. Of course, I had two teachers in highschool that I know loved me for who I was--Mrs. Young and Mr. Carey. They don't know how much that meant to me, but even with them really caring, I was always wanting the approval by the others. I wish I was a little wiser back then because now I know that their approval and acceptance does not matter one bit. They are people that don't look at the heart and what is in the inside; they only look at the outward and what you personify to the public. Yes, that matters a little but it only has .01% significance. What really matters is what God says and that is what is in somebody's heart!
I struggled with the feeling of rejection and unacceptance for so long that I had bottled it inside and never really faced the hurt that it had caused for all those years. But the things that "haunt" you and the insecurities that have been stifled for so long will surface at some point in your life. I think mine did early on which I'm thankful for because I was able to really deal with them even though going through the "side effects" as I like to call them, like depression and anxiety, was hard, yet it was the best thing that could have happened.
I came to realize and learn different lessons, like to be thankful and cherish the people that did love and truly care for me, to know that I never wanted to treat anyone the way I saw people get treated at that church, to know that God was more than this Being that struck you down whenever you did something wrong--I came to realize that God was an utmost loving, patient, accepting, forgiving God. That was something that was never truly taught to me, but I found the true Him through one of the lowest points of my life. And He brought people into my life (the doctors, Phyllis, Auntie, Mida) to help me through it. Looking back now I know that He knew exactly what I was going to need during that time and I know for a fact that being invited to stay for the summer with my aunt (which then turned into three years), stepping into that doctor's office on that hot July summer in 2002, meeting one of my dearest friends, Mida, at the single's group at the new church I was going to was no accident or chance thing that happened, but it was intentional and planned out by God because He knew that I would have ups and downs those three years of my life and He knew exactly what people I needed to have in my life during those times.
I now thank God for everything I have experienced in my life because there are lessons to learn in every walk of life. I constantly have to remind myself this when things don't happen according to my plan.

posted by Gracey at Sunday, July 09, 2006 -

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